Rage against the machine

Ok, I have a problem with rage. Mostly, I'm a laid back individual. I'm pretty content, pretty mellow, pretty "go with the flow". But, sometimes, I snap. Completely loose my shit. It doesn't happen frequently, but sometimes I get so upset, and feel like I've done everything I can do to keep resolve stuff, and when nothing works, I lose it. I've never hurt another person, but I do take things out on myself when I get to a certain point. I just get to a place where I don't know what to do with myself or my feelings. That being said, I need to talk about what happened when I went into labor with BabyGirl. Bottom line, I freaked out. I got frustrated and I freaked out. It hurt so much, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt alone and unprotected and very caught off guard. I didn't do anything overtly destructive, but I did not manage things for myself very well. I attribute some of the reasons for my cesarean (wow, I can actually say that word without gasping) to the fact that I did not manage myself well, nor did I set up a good support system for myself. I can blame Dr. Evil all I want, but the bottom line is that I had as much to do with it as he did, so it has to be acknowledged. So, My Beloved and I were discussing what might happen "next time". He said, "You get into such a tizzy and there's no way to calm you down." We both realize that this was the case with BG. It really wasn't until I got the epidural that I was "ok"... calm, relaxed, human. But then, that had a bad effect on me - brought my BP down low and they put me on oxygen. Then, they gave me pitocin because the epi probably "slowed things down" (at least in Dr. Evil's eyes) which made BG's heart rate drop, which is supposedly why they cut me. This cannot happen again. To stray a bit from the topic at hand (I'll bring it all back in a moment or two) I made some calls to OB offices, to get my ducks in a row. I do think it's important to at least have an OB observe my pregnancy since I will be VBACing. One OB office was fairly cool. I actually spoke with the Doc. She did not agree with my choice/right to HBAC, but said she didn't believe in "time limits" or labor augmentation for VBAC patients, and told me some other points in her philosophy that were at least partially aligned with my own (is it even possible to find one that's completely aligned with my own?) She mentioned that she sometimes sends people to a woman who teaches hypnobirthing. This caught my attention. I could really get into something like that, I think. Regardless, it would be great to have some actual coping strategy for my next child's birth, which is something I was completely lacking in with BG. And MB would be able to help me too. The negative thing about it was that the OB seemed a little skeptical about this particular person's practices. She said "We've had to speak with her before", so that made me uneasy. But hypnobirthing might be the right answer. I need to come up with something. Especially since I don't want to have any drugs this next time. And, maybe it will help me deal with things in other parts of my life. Help me cope better when things spin out of control. Who knows. I just don't think it would hurt to try. Back to the OB calls, I have to say, I got physically panicked when talking to these people. I had a hard time catching my breath to speak. Could have been the bronchitis, but I was breathing fairly well before they each answered the phone. Guess I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. But the good news is, I was confident about what I was saying, how I was feeling. Maybe I'll make some more calls today...