Part V - BIRTH!!!

Laying on my right side and with oxygen (because of the epidural, of course), I was starting to feel the contractions stronger again. It had only taken about an hour for it to wear off this time. But then, something amazing and out of the blue happened. I felt an overwhelming urge to get on all fours. Unsure if this was safe, I asked LMW and she said it would be fine. So with the swiftness, grace, willingness and speed of an Olympic gymnast I flipped over. LMW said she was stunned I had moved so well – as every other time I tried to move it was a real effort. All this, and my left leg was still pretty numb. Within one contraction on all fours, without comprehension of the fact that words were even coming out of my mouth, I said, "I have to push!!" LMW was quite surprised – it had only been a few minutes since she’d last checked me. I held back so she could get her gloves on. I kept asking if where I was on the table was ok, and moved myself to their instructions so I wouldn’t fall off or cause the baby to fall off. And there I was – 10cm – but with a lip. She told me it was fine to push but that she had to hold back a small bit of a lip. So there I was – I’m not even sure if I had a contraction or not, but I started pushing. Then, I know I had a contraction and I pushed even harder. The nurse told me not to scream or yell, but to hold my breath because it was more efficient. I argued with her in my head, but found that what she said was true – my baby seemed to move more when I held my breath. Then, MB took a look at his baby emerging from me. As I was on all fours, she was facing up, and was winking at him as she came into the world. He was so surprised to see that her eye was open! And then one more contraction with some pushing, and my little Lindsay Margaret was born! I think I pushed for less than 5 minutes – it was only two contractions at any rate, and it took no time at all. Once my body was opened enough, she was more than ready to come out and I was more than willing to get her there. I do wish I could have seen her come out myself, but even if there had been a mirror available, my position made it impossible. It was incredible, and exhilarating. I have never felt such elation, such a high before in my life. MB did not get to cut the cord. The nursery staff was late on arrival (I don’t think anyone expected things to go so quickly from the time I started pushing), and LMW was kind of on her own in delivery. And then, I’m told there was a good amount of meconium. Lindsay didn’t cry right away (I don’t think LG did either, for that matter), and they took her immediately to the warmer and suctioned her. In the end, they took 200ml out of her belly, I held her twice for a cumulative total of less than 5 minutes – and that was only upon the insistence of MB, and then she was taken up to the nursery after a while. I didn’t get to breastfeed her immediately like I wanted, and they did all the standard newborn procedures on her without my consent. I was mostly upset that they felt that she would do better in a warmer than on me, and argued with anyone who would hear me. But that was fruitless. It was 7 hours before they brought her to me to stay. Meanwhile, I suffered my own minor emergency. I had torn, apparently more on the inside than the outside, and I tore forward rather than towards my butt. I was bleeding quite a bit. LMW wasn’t sure if a trip to the OR would be necessary to repair me, because most of the tear was difficult to get at. They brought in all the residents, who manhandled me and finally determined that I did not need to go to the OR, and they fixed me up. I remember one of the residents asking if I’d torn or ruptured, and I all but rolled my eyes. I didn’t have to say anything though, because LMW took care of it. But I did lose a lot of blood. So, everything that happened during my labor in the hospital for the most part was really positive, in spite of pretty much my entire birth plan flying out the window. I made my own *informed* decisions. My nurse was kind, gentle, and positive. I loved her. My LMW was incredible. She never doubted that I would have a vaginal birth. She kept telling me so. I honestly believe she wanted this VBAC for me about as much as I did. And after I was all sewn up I said, "Thank you for believing in me." It brings tears to my eyes just to think about just how wonderful she really was. I will always have love in my heart for her. I have a lot of qualms about the things that happened to myself, and volumes more about the "procedures" that Lindsay was subjected to once she was born and even in the few days that followed after her birth including after we got home. A lot. Most of these are things I wouldn’t have noticed or known about after LG’s birth, but are big deals to me now. The biggest one of all being them not letting me see her and hold her – that keeping her under a heat lamp like a rotisserie chicken at a fast-food joint is somehow better for her than skin to skin contact with her mother. I could go on for a very long time about the things that made me mad. Nonetheless, the experience has been light years better. I have some hormones from time to time, but no postpartum depression. In fact, emotionally, I feel better than I have in years, maybe even before LG was born. It feels good to feel emotionally normal. And physically… wow. Yes, I’ve had some pain and discomfort. I’ve been tired. But I can move. I can breath. I can laugh. I can sleep on my sides. I can walk up and down stairs. I can lift. It’s so much more freeing. So, would I do it again? Have another child? Plan another homebirth? Those are big, loaded questions. I’ll save that for another blog entry ;-).