How to forgive myself in 10 weeks (or less)

Oprah Winfrey said in an episode a while back that a most valuable and wise thing said to her was "Forgiveness is letting go of the chance that the past could have been any different." Further, it is not saying "it’s ok that it happened". I guess in many ways, forgiveness is the ability to look back and say "yep, that really sucked, but it happened." Oh, how I need to let go. I know I have a hard time letting go of things. I attribute this particular characteristic to an otherwise highly useful long-term memory filled with great detail, including emotions. I often remember how I felt about something before I remember everything that led to those emotions. I am also a very sensitive individual. I have always been among the first in my family to cry, to laugh, to explode… I definitely "feel" things deeply and it’s crucial to my wellbeing to express myself. It’s just who I am. It’s not that I am an unforgiving person either. It’s just that some things are harder than others. I can usually forgive other people somewhere down the line, but mostly, I have a hard time forgiving myself. Which leads me to where I’m at in my VBAC journey. I feel that there’s still a lot of damage to repair in order to be able to give birth to this baby peacefully, in the way that she deserves. I was discussing this with Illegal Midwife the other day. Specifically, how strongly I reacted to Legal Midwife’s pronouncement that I would need an ultrasound to determine if my baby is breech in a few weeks. Hostility towards the medical establishment and terror/paranoia are just a couple of emotions that bubbled up. IMW said, "I sense that you still have some anger" and "I expect this may be a challenging birth for you with all the emotions you have". She suggested that I find some method of forgiveness. But, damn it, I just don’t know what that is. If I break it down, to forgive pretty much means letting down my guard, and if I do that, I become vulnerable, and if I become vulnerable, I run a major risk of reliving all that hurt I felt after BabyGirl was born. That, to me, is so scary. I (barely) lived through it once, and I’m not eager to test my fortitude by doing it again. I’m too scared to be that sad/angry/hurt/frustrated again. There are only a handful of circumstances that would be worse. So how do I forgive without letting down my guard?