Thanks, Jenny from the UK :)

My ever-faithful message poster, Jenny, said something in her last post to me that really struck a chord... That she found she also not able to work through all her feelings before her HBAC, but after, many things cleared up as she realized that many of her negative feelings were combined with fears that she would not achieve vaginal birth. Reading that... it was a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. Reading what she said made me feel so relieved. I'm not "on the clock" to fix myself on time. I can just do the best I can. I know where Illegal Midwife was coming from. She also had a traumatic birth experience - not a c/s, and I've never asked her the details, but I know she really understands me and I think she said it to help me protect me from myself. I'm glad she did... I know she was not trying to scare me, but rather maybe help me make healing a priority. But, I really don't think I'll be able to heal until I have unquestionable proof that I can do this. And the reason I'm glad she said it is because it awakened me to the reality that in many ways, this birth could be more difficult. I know what BabyGirl's birth brought me (will have to come up with new nickname for her soon!) and I'm just not convinced there are many pains out there that I could feel so sharply. So, if this baby and I are going to have to fight through some things to get the job done, so be it. The spiritual side of me is frightened. I believe deeply in the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" philosophy of life, but I feel so damaged by the feelings I experienced after BabyGirl's birth, and there is a part of me that questions how God could do that to me. Surely He would know I would react that way. I try to view it as a gift but right now it is like an ugly sweater that doesn't fit at all and yet you have to wear it all the time. But I am handling it... so the philosophy runs true. I don't think I could handle much more than that though, and I'm not anxious to test it out. But I trusted God with the birth of my first daughter - that everything would go nicely and we'd both be ok - I had no indication that I would wind up so angry and hurting and fighting every single day. So do I trust again? I just don't want to be hurt. And in many ways, it would hurt even more if I went through it again - after all I've done to circumvent another cesarean.... to have it all wind up the same way. In some ways it might be easier to accept... at this point nobody's cutting me open unless they have a damn good reason to, so at least that particular aspect shouldn't be called into question. But to do it again... with all those feelings of failure... I don't know if that's a pill I can swallow again. Would God allow me to go through that again? There are people who have certainly suffered worse fates... But, instead of sitting around and focusing on all the scary things that might happen, Oh my goodness, I'm HAVING A BABY!!! SOON!! I have spent so much time crying and worrying during this pregnancy, my poor little baby is going to come out with neurosis! And so, having lined up what I feel to be the best care for us, having placed all the appropriate buffers, all I have left is to let go and enjoy this pregnancy and get to know the little baby girl who is growing inside me. Who beats me up at night. Who seemed to like that Todd Rungren (sp?) song "I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day" song today. Who gets SO excited when I eat anything. And so My Beloved and I went and bought her some clothes of her own - a few things that won't be hand-me-downs - something to wear on her first day of life outside the womb. And then some days later we bought most of our supplies for having this baby at home. Today, I washed the towels and her new clothes, and felt so happy. I haven't felt so happy about my little angel yet. Of course I've been thrilled about being pregnant, about having another little monkey. all of those things... but I finally felt free of having to worry so much about how she's going to get here and have been able to experience the joy of anticipating her arrival. That's really all I can do now. Thanks, Jenny :)