Body Language

Ok, totally getting mixed signals from my body these past few weeks. I'm officially "late" even by my own weird standards. Dear Auntie Flo should have arrived, like, two weeks ago. I took the pregnancy test almost two weeks ago, which I at least think should have left an accurate read if I was. But maybe not? I don't know. I was SO disappointed that it came up negative. Now I'm having weird, painful crampiness. I keep expecting AF to show up any second, and she doesn't. This has been going on for over a week. I remember with BabyGirl that I had some weird sensations early on, but I don't remember that they were specifically "crampy". I do remember feeling miserable in my lower half... But, at the same time, I've sort of put to rest the thought that I'm pregnant this month. So this crampiness has got me all paranoid. Pregnant? Ectopic pregnancy (because the most pain is in my right side)? Just feminine peculiarities? Am I broken? What is going on? I honestly am somewhat wishing AF would just show up so I would know for sure that I'm not, rather than waiting around. And I'm tempted to buy another test, but they're so expensive. I'm really trying to listen to my body. To hear what she's telling me I need to know. And I don't know if my head is just really cluttered right now, or if I'm just not listening closely enough or if there's nothing important to hear, but it's driving me crazy. I know so much of it has to do with how fast and easy it seemed to get pregnant with BabyGirl. It was really, like, the first try. So I know that accounts for why I'm so anxious. I keep trying to remind myself "sometimes it takes time... be patient... it will happen when it's supposed to happen." and that if I'm not, it's because it's just not the right time. I believe that there is a force behind conception that is so far beyond anything humans can understand. I'm trying to remind myself of advice someone said to someone else from the www.ICAN-online.org board that said, "if you might be pregnant, treat yourself like you are pregnant and let your body tell you what you need to know." which is such sound advice. I'm just not used to being that way. I've built up all these added concerns that I probably don't need to have, like, that I was by LMP as the standard, 45 weeks pregnant when I had BG, and I don't want to have to fight with whomever my new OB is to prevent another c/s. That's a MAJOR issue, since most cut at 40-41 weeks. I want the least amount of friction for my VBAC as possible. I'm already considering lying to whatever OB about my plans for a homebirth because I know they'll never be "ok" with it. I shouldn't have to lie... it's my body... but I'll do what I need to in order to protect myself, my baby and my family. It's not something I want to hide, but I will hide it from anyone who poses a threat. So maybe my anxiety is causing all the feelings and pains and weirdness in my body. I don't really "feel" pregnant right now... not in that physical symptoms way. I feel like by now I should be getting that special queesy feeling.. and though I've not been eating much and getting wicked heartburn when I do, it's just not like that. But then, every pregnancy is different, right? Oh, to have a sign... a really clear one. What to do, what to do?