How to forgive myself in 10 weeks (or less)

Oprah Winfrey said in an episode a while back that a most valuable and wise thing said to her was "Forgiveness is letting go of the chance that the past could have been any different." Further, it is not saying "it’s ok that it happened". I guess in many ways, forgiveness is the ability to look back and say "yep, that really sucked, but it happened." Oh, how I need to let go. I know I have a hard time letting go of things. I attribute this particular characteristic to an otherwise highly useful long-term memory filled with great detail, including emotions. I often remember how I felt about something before I remember everything that led to those emotions. I am also a very sensitive individual. I have always been among the first in my family to cry, to laugh, to explode… I definitely "feel" things deeply and it’s crucial to my wellbeing to express myself. It’s just who I am. It’s not that I am an unforgiving person either. It’s just that some things are harder than others. I can usually forgive other people somewhere down the line, but mostly, I have a hard time forgiving myself. Which leads me to where I’m at in my VBAC journey. I feel that there’s still a lot of damage to repair in order to be able to give birth to this baby peacefully, in the way that she deserves. I was discussing this with Illegal Midwife the other day. Specifically, how strongly I reacted to Legal Midwife’s pronouncement that I would need an ultrasound to determine if my baby is breech in a few weeks. Hostility towards the medical establishment and terror/paranoia are just a couple of emotions that bubbled up. IMW said, "I sense that you still have some anger" and "I expect this may be a challenging birth for you with all the emotions you have". She suggested that I find some method of forgiveness. But, damn it, I just don’t know what that is. If I break it down, to forgive pretty much means letting down my guard, and if I do that, I become vulnerable, and if I become vulnerable, I run a major risk of reliving all that hurt I felt after BabyGirl was born. That, to me, is so scary. I (barely) lived through it once, and I’m not eager to test my fortitude by doing it again. I’m too scared to be that sad/angry/hurt/frustrated again. There are only a handful of circumstances that would be worse. So how do I forgive without letting down my guard?

VBAC Lady's Lament

This is so frustrating... At the beginning of my pregnancy, I struggled with whether or not I was compatible with the new OB practice I'd selected. In the middle of my pregnancy, I decided that in fact I was not compatible with them and decided I needed to switch. But I had to learn the results of my 3-hr gestational diabetes test in order to switch, because the MW group I wanted could not accept me if the results were unfavorable. And then right around the same time, my illegal HBMW tells me she's moving across the country and not certain she'll be around for my birth. Then, oh sunlight and happy days, the GST came back fine, my IHBMW decides she will stay in town by whatever means necessary to see my birth through, and I can happily switch to the MW group for my backup care. For a moment there, life was sooo good. But then, at my last IHBMW appt, she says, "now, you want that baby to turn to head down, ok? So, start asking her to do it." - IHBMW has no experience with breech babies and is not comfortable practicing on me. But, at 26 wks or so, it was easy to say, "eh, she'll turn in good time." Now at 30 wks, I had my first official appointment with the Hospital MW group. Met a different MW than before. She starts talking, "Oh, I see at your 24 wk u/s your baby was breech." (mind you, she didn't feel around to see if she could tell.) Me: "I thought that wouldn't be a major concern until like, 37 wks or so." Her: "Oh no, it's really not, but we'll probably want to schedule a u/s at 36 wks just to be sure, for your best interests. Frankly, I don't think there's a doc who does external versions on VBAC patients in town. They probably wouldn't touch you." Why do I, once again, have that feeling that these people (IHBMW excluded) are sharpening their knives and drooling at the site of me????? I am totally tripping out now. I thought I would be safer with this mw group, and now I'm not so sure. I want to be able to ignore them... I just don't know how... it's just such a big deal to me. I'm trying to separate out in my head at what lengths I will go to in order to not be cut again, and I'm afraid it will cloud my judgement should a really good reason arise. I don't know how I can subject myself to it again. Not after fighting so hard, learning so much to not have to do it again. I don't know how to survive another cut. I feel like I've barely survived the first. I just don't feel like I have the strength - and I don't want to have to find out whether or not I really do. It seems so unfair to have so much at stake on this poor, innocent baby's birth. My little girl. It's almost as though her little life inside me has grown secondary to achieving this VBAC. It's not right. And yet, every time I get a few moments to really start thinking about her - who she is, who she will become - I get cut off at the head with something new to worry about. I really resent the cesarean that put me in this position. This is one aspect of life where I'd be grateful to be normal.