Gun-shy

I'm feeling a little gun-shy about finding prenatal care providers. My choices are rather limited for a homebirth. At the moment, there are three midwives who will do Home Birth After Cesarean in my area: one is retiring but I don't know when, one is a mw in training who was working with the first, and the last is about 75 miles away. None are covered by my insurance, so it would have to be out-of-pocket, which we would find a way to manage. But I would still need someone to oversee prenatal care, particularly so I can build a relationship with someone and not deal with some knife-happy yahoo who thinks I don't know anything about birth. I found a MW group, but I didn't like all of the language the one used to explain how they manage VBAC. This makes me wonder if I will ever find anyone who suits my needs. And then, does it really matter? I mean, if I plan for it, it almost feels like I'm giving up on getting what I really want. But I want nothing to do with a hospital, because I already *know* they're going to treat me like a timebomb and jump all over every little sneeze. I can't have that - I want better for this baby than I had for Babygirl. So this MW group does work with patients on positioning and walking, and the hospital they work out of has a jacuzzi (which was not available at the one BG was born at) and some other things, but she kept correcting her use of "Your VBAC" with "I mean, Trial of Labor" which I HATE hearing - sounds so non-commital - and told me I would have to have constant monitoring. But I've read the research and there's no constant monitoring that is necessarily accurate, and if I go that route, I just *know* I'll end up cut. I don't want to be cut unless it is EMINENT. Not just because someone's taking a guess when they don't like something they see. There is an OB also, who has mw's and is on my insurance. I spoke with them a while ago, and she seemed pretty cool but totally unsupportive of my want to HBAC. Not that I was surprised, not that I would even tell her... and they only "let" you go to 42 weeks. Now, granted the time frame shouldn't be a problem. BG was born exactly on her due date, though were there not an early ultrasound, I would have been induced and she would have been born prematurely. So thank God for that. But that brings more pressure on me now - I need to find a care provider soon that can tell me early enough so that it's more accurate. I wish I didn't have to know. In many ways, I don't. But if I am to have "backup" care, I'll need to , and I do think it's important. I just don't want the aggrivation of dealing with some jerkoff who doesn't think birth is natural and normal. And this is my vent for the night!