Metaphoric Purging

How is a woman as tired as I am still awake? I’m pregnant and sleepy but I can’t seem to slow my brain down long enough to let myself relax tonight. It’s been like this often so far since I’ve known that I’m pregnant. Tonight I am all wound up. I was a little to begin with, then I went to a Ladies Auxiliary meeting (My Beloved is a volunteer firefighter) and afterwards I was speaking with one of the women who is a doula and another woman whom I have talked birth-talk with a few times and we were just all chatting it up and I was explaining how I didn’t think I’d find an OB who was suitable for my needs and a few other ladies began to chime in, "Oh, you should see Dr. Blahblah! She’s WONDERFUL!", "Oh, I think Dr. Hoosiehoose is the GREATEST!" and then one said, "Oh, Dr. Evil is the best!" and I had a most violent reaction! I told her… "Sure, he’s probably a fine GYN, and as long as you don’t care what happens to your body he’s a fine OB too" and went off on how I would like to take a dull plastic knife, cut off his nuts and make him eat them and how I would cheerfully kill him if there weren’t laws preventing it. My whole body was tense, like, clutching my fists, elbows bent up and keeping my arms tight into my body, and I was probably yelling – at least speaking in a loud tone. And I could feel myself doing it, and I told myself to calm down, but I couldn’t find the words and the breaths in time to do it. I’m sure they all think I’m nuts now. I couldn’t believe how ANGRY I still am! I had already gotten myself riled up about what a bastard he is in my mind at that point, but I was unprepared to hear someone else sing his praises. I guess I still have some "forgiveness" work to do. Sheesh. I’ve made an appointment to see an OB. This was so difficult, although I managed to do it before seeing about a MW. This OB will "let" me go 42 wks and will not use induction agents. I’m trying to reconcile in my head that it just doesn’t even matter because I have no intention of allowing this woman to participate in my child’s birth, but nonetheless, when I got off the phone with the office I was in tears and shaking. Took me an hour or so to calm down. The whole thing was really upsetting. Then, to top it off, a few hours after the phone call, MB calls me and says, "Dr. Has-two-MWs is supposedly kind of abrasive. Have you heard of Dr. Lets-dads-catch-babies? I’m told he’s probably more your speed." Now, understand that, earlier that day I’d had a conversation with MB who was pushing for me to find an OB (I agree, I just don’t like it) and told me, "Just call Dr. Has-two-MWs – she sounds fine", so of course it’s only after the fact, after I’ve somewhat recovered, that this other OB surfaces. It’s not like it’s his fault, but sheesh, what a help. I actually was aware of Dr. LDCB before, but had a bad experience with his receptionist while looking and figured it wasn’t worth the aggravation. If it doesn’t work out with Dr. HTMW, it’s not like I can’t switch. I’m open to whoever gives me the best info and best gut reaction. I actually have been feeling a little chicken about HTMW since before I called… actually since my friend who is having the baby in July told me some things that she was told when she spoke with HTMW’s office that were contrary to things HTMW told me. Granted, friend and I are VBACs for two different reasons… her baby was malpositioned, she labored for 19 hrs and was just tired and had enough. But, I don’t know. We’ll see. *sigh* Now, I'm still too awake to sleep...