Money talks, but it don't sing and dance and it can't walk

Money sucks. We're so broke right now. Post-Christmas boogers. It's not like we went all that crazy either. My Beloved and I spent less than $100 on BabyGirl, $100 on each other (but not all in one shot on his part, so his was more dispursed), and... maybe $150 total on other people. So it's time to pay the mortgage and unless we figure out something magical, we're going to come up short. And we need diapers. And money for his chiro co-pays. And gas in the car. It's just not looking good right now. Last night was a low moment for us. MB has had a painful back injury and is frustrated and hurting. It's so bad, that we discussed the possibility of him going on disability to make it better. I've been sick with a cold/the flu/bronchitis all month and we're both just worn out. We sat down to figure out the money situation and it wasn't pretty. He cried. We cried together. We're both really frustrated. We can't keep doing this to ourselves and our family. I told My Beloved that, unless we can figure out a way to get it all wrangled up and under control, then maybe we should put off baby-making until we do. Later, he told me something amazing. He said he was really kind of upset that I said that. I was kind of surprised. I’m so used to being the one who wants more, who wants to move forward, who’s ready first. And I really wanted him to be the one who was ready for a baby first. And he is. It’s a little mind-boggling. For me, it’s not so much that I’m not ready… I think emotionally, spiritually and physically I really am prepared, even anxious. I’m just so worried about money and I don’t want to spend 40 weeks of pregnancy in fear of how we’re going to take care of another baby when we still have the bills from BabyGirl’s birth to pay. So that’s a good thing that came out of this, I found out where MB truely stands. And it’s not as a result of my pushing him or nagging him or whatever, it’s what he came on to in his own terms. And that makes me more confident that it's the right time (once we get financially organized.) It's so important that he really wants it. And also on a positive note, we have finally settled on a new girl name! Should we have another girl, her name will be Lindsey Margaret. Or Lindsay. I like the "A", he likes the "E", so we’re technically 98% settled, ha-ha. Our boy name will be Zachary Stephen. Both first names are just ones we like, both middle names are family names. So that’s that. Wish us luck…

A Vicarious Trial Run

My dear friend is pregnant. She'll be due in July. She also had a c/section for her first child's birth. In her case, it ultimately was that she'd had enough. From what I understand, her baby was not in distress, but she was tired and he wasn't dropping down and engaging. She had the ultimate say in what happened, so it was a different, better experience for her than mine was for me. From what I now know, her baby was probably malpositioned. But the stupid OB's only know head-down vs. head-not-down. Any number of factors could have made it difficult for her baby to come down. But of course, her "wonderful" OB said it was probably Cephelopelvic Disproportion (CPD). That's the easy answer: to tell the woman she's broken. The truth is that true CPD is very rare, though I can't quote the stats right now. So that makes me mad for her. But at the end of the day, she did what she needed to do with the information she was given. She'd simply had enough and had no tangible hope that it would have ended otherwise. Anyway, I tell you this in order to tell you that she also wishes to have a VBAC, and has asked me to assist her. I'm completely honored by this - the invitation to be a participant in an intimate and sacred miracle. She tells me, "I want something between what you and what my OB want for me". I'm not sure I exactly know what she means. I take that back... I know what she means, but I don't thinks she knows what I mean for her, dig? I think she thinks I'm all crunchy granola about it, like I want her to have a HB and be all ethereal and anti-medical-establishment about it. I don't want to be an adversary to her OB either. What I really want for her is the best birth she can give... something where she can look back and feel satisfied, fully grateful, filled with joy for, with no regrets and no second-guessing. I want her to be aware and informed of all the risks as well as the benefits of what happens in the hospital. I want her to know her options and her alternatives. I only want for her what she needs for herself and for her wee one. Selfishly, I want it to go well for my own sake too. First and foremost are her and her baby's needs, but there's a tiny drop of... inspiration I'm hoping to draw for myself. Affirmation perhaps. Something that will tell me that if she can do it, so can I. That maybe what I need is to witness her success and that will provide me with what I need to get through it. Time will tell.

The Game Plan

Being that my next birth will be a VBAC, I've needed to make some choices and decisions regarding the personal safety of my child and myself. It has taken much thought and research, but My Beloved and I feel that the best choice is to have a home birth (HBAC). Two years ago, I'd have thought I was crazy for saying so. I thought you'd have to live in the back woods or at least be Amish to make a choice like that. Now I feel much differently about it. When I was in the hospital, attempting to birth BabyGirl, things happened, like I was put in this overflow "closet" - a room they never showed us on the tour - which was in very close proximity to other women and even shared a bathroom with another laboring woman. Each time I yelled through the pain of a contraction, I had tremendous fear of disrupting other women who were trying to labor in peace. I had no support. Well, not exactly... I had one of my best friends with me, and MB, but neither of them had ever been through it before. I really needed someone who could talk me down. As each contraction grew worse, I grew more distraught. In a nutshell, I lost control with no hope of getting it back. Then the interventions. I opted for the epidural. It was my decision because I didn't think I could take anymore. I'll still tell you today that the relief it provided was the best part of my labor. But now I wish I'd gone a different route - again, tying into the support issue, and being more learned about psychological pain control measures rather than chemicals. The pitocin. Now that I fully understand the risks, and how they impact my body and my baby, and now that I have a spine, no one will ever come near me with this chemical again. At the time, I just laid there and accepted it because that's what seemed to happen to everyone else I knew and they all turned out fine. But it had a negative effect on my baby, and if I allow it in my body again could increase the likelihood of Uterine Rupture. Breaking my water. I understand where this is sometimes helpful, but I now believe BG was malpositioned (even slightly) and that is why she would not engage into my pelvis. When they broke my water, they made it very difficult for her to move into proper position if she wasn't there already. Vaginal Exams. I can't tell you how many they gave me, but I can tell you that each and every one of them sent me into a skull-peeling, eye popping contraction that made me want to kick the ones performing it in the teeth. Some research I have done since then tells me that this may have contributed to why I didn't dilate (at least, fast enough for the doctors), because my body needed to protect itself. I labored in fear, and I was prevented from laboring in my body's own time. If I set foot, as a VBAC Lady, into a hospital again, statistics show me it's only going to be worse. I will most likely be treated like a ticking time bomb, and be given even less of an opportunity to birth my child than I was given before. The current state of VBAC in our country is not a good one, with ACOG telling hospitals that it should not perform VBACs if there is no surgical staff available 24 hrs a day because of Uterine Rupture. What about when vaginal births go wrong? What about the fact that the risks of UR in a VBAC are lower than the risks of a Prolapsed Cord in a standard vaginal birth? It's a crock. I have to avoid the whole thing. I'm not subjecting myself to the risks of major abdominal surgery without a DAMN good reason, and planning to have my child in a hospital immediately would open the door to that. So here's the game plan:

• Get pregnant
• Line up a HB MW who's comfortable with HBVBAC (I think I have one, though she's illegal... but if she's willing, then it's fine with me!) and discuss in detail my birth plans
• Line up a new OB who will be supportive of my VBAC and also of my decision to HB. Will most likely be a woman this time
• Come up with a plan in the event I have to have a cesarean (I'll address this in a future post, when I'm ready to put it into writing)
• Gestate in Peace
• Have the best, most optimal birth my body and my baby will allow!

Beginning the Journey

I was an innocent woman who was pregnant. I didn't expect to be cut open and gutted like a fish to get my daughter out of my body. I trusted my doctor, that he would do everything in my best interests and it never once occurred to me that he might act in his own best interests first. Silly, naive me. As I laid on the table with my organs visible to the world, I knew I didn't like it. I didn't know how deeply my daughter's birth would effect me though. It never occurred to me that a cesarean section might carry more emotional scars with it than physical ones. I didn't know it could hurt so much. It is now just over 19 months since that OB wielded his knife and took my child out of my body. My Beloved and I have decided that this is the time to think about adding one more branch to our family tree. My LMP just ended this week, so it's possible that sometime within the next few weeks, I could be carrying a brand new little life again. Such an exciting possibility! I loved being pregnant with BabyGirl. It was a time filled with joy, anticipation, delight... it was amazing and beautiful. Unfortunately, I fear this next time of being pregnant, should we be so blessed, will be riddled with the fears, the stigmas, the labels of being "a VBAC" woman. [VBAC = vaginal birth after cesarean] I resent needing the label. As though the scar on my belly is not enough.