Metaphoric Purging

How is a woman as tired as I am still awake? I’m pregnant and sleepy but I can’t seem to slow my brain down long enough to let myself relax tonight. It’s been like this often so far since I’ve known that I’m pregnant. Tonight I am all wound up. I was a little to begin with, then I went to a Ladies Auxiliary meeting (My Beloved is a volunteer firefighter) and afterwards I was speaking with one of the women who is a doula and another woman whom I have talked birth-talk with a few times and we were just all chatting it up and I was explaining how I didn’t think I’d find an OB who was suitable for my needs and a few other ladies began to chime in, "Oh, you should see Dr. Blahblah! She’s WONDERFUL!", "Oh, I think Dr. Hoosiehoose is the GREATEST!" and then one said, "Oh, Dr. Evil is the best!" and I had a most violent reaction! I told her… "Sure, he’s probably a fine GYN, and as long as you don’t care what happens to your body he’s a fine OB too" and went off on how I would like to take a dull plastic knife, cut off his nuts and make him eat them and how I would cheerfully kill him if there weren’t laws preventing it. My whole body was tense, like, clutching my fists, elbows bent up and keeping my arms tight into my body, and I was probably yelling – at least speaking in a loud tone. And I could feel myself doing it, and I told myself to calm down, but I couldn’t find the words and the breaths in time to do it. I’m sure they all think I’m nuts now. I couldn’t believe how ANGRY I still am! I had already gotten myself riled up about what a bastard he is in my mind at that point, but I was unprepared to hear someone else sing his praises. I guess I still have some "forgiveness" work to do. Sheesh. I’ve made an appointment to see an OB. This was so difficult, although I managed to do it before seeing about a MW. This OB will "let" me go 42 wks and will not use induction agents. I’m trying to reconcile in my head that it just doesn’t even matter because I have no intention of allowing this woman to participate in my child’s birth, but nonetheless, when I got off the phone with the office I was in tears and shaking. Took me an hour or so to calm down. The whole thing was really upsetting. Then, to top it off, a few hours after the phone call, MB calls me and says, "Dr. Has-two-MWs is supposedly kind of abrasive. Have you heard of Dr. Lets-dads-catch-babies? I’m told he’s probably more your speed." Now, understand that, earlier that day I’d had a conversation with MB who was pushing for me to find an OB (I agree, I just don’t like it) and told me, "Just call Dr. Has-two-MWs – she sounds fine", so of course it’s only after the fact, after I’ve somewhat recovered, that this other OB surfaces. It’s not like it’s his fault, but sheesh, what a help. I actually was aware of Dr. LDCB before, but had a bad experience with his receptionist while looking and figured it wasn’t worth the aggravation. If it doesn’t work out with Dr. HTMW, it’s not like I can’t switch. I’m open to whoever gives me the best info and best gut reaction. I actually have been feeling a little chicken about HTMW since before I called… actually since my friend who is having the baby in July told me some things that she was told when she spoke with HTMW’s office that were contrary to things HTMW told me. Granted, friend and I are VBACs for two different reasons… her baby was malpositioned, she labored for 19 hrs and was just tired and had enough. But, I don’t know. We’ll see. *sigh* Now, I'm still too awake to sleep...

Gun-shy

I'm feeling a little gun-shy about finding prenatal care providers. My choices are rather limited for a homebirth. At the moment, there are three midwives who will do Home Birth After Cesarean in my area: one is retiring but I don't know when, one is a mw in training who was working with the first, and the last is about 75 miles away. None are covered by my insurance, so it would have to be out-of-pocket, which we would find a way to manage. But I would still need someone to oversee prenatal care, particularly so I can build a relationship with someone and not deal with some knife-happy yahoo who thinks I don't know anything about birth. I found a MW group, but I didn't like all of the language the one used to explain how they manage VBAC. This makes me wonder if I will ever find anyone who suits my needs. And then, does it really matter? I mean, if I plan for it, it almost feels like I'm giving up on getting what I really want. But I want nothing to do with a hospital, because I already *know* they're going to treat me like a timebomb and jump all over every little sneeze. I can't have that - I want better for this baby than I had for Babygirl. So this MW group does work with patients on positioning and walking, and the hospital they work out of has a jacuzzi (which was not available at the one BG was born at) and some other things, but she kept correcting her use of "Your VBAC" with "I mean, Trial of Labor" which I HATE hearing - sounds so non-commital - and told me I would have to have constant monitoring. But I've read the research and there's no constant monitoring that is necessarily accurate, and if I go that route, I just *know* I'll end up cut. I don't want to be cut unless it is EMINENT. Not just because someone's taking a guess when they don't like something they see. There is an OB also, who has mw's and is on my insurance. I spoke with them a while ago, and she seemed pretty cool but totally unsupportive of my want to HBAC. Not that I was surprised, not that I would even tell her... and they only "let" you go to 42 weeks. Now, granted the time frame shouldn't be a problem. BG was born exactly on her due date, though were there not an early ultrasound, I would have been induced and she would have been born prematurely. So thank God for that. But that brings more pressure on me now - I need to find a care provider soon that can tell me early enough so that it's more accurate. I wish I didn't have to know. In many ways, I don't. But if I am to have "backup" care, I'll need to , and I do think it's important. I just don't want the aggrivation of dealing with some jerkoff who doesn't think birth is natural and normal. And this is my vent for the night!

SCORE!!!

Dateline: Saturday, March 5th. Woke up after dreams of being kicked in the belly from the inside. Drove 1/2hr in car, got REALLY queesy. Stopped, felt fine. Drove some more. Queesy again. Out of the car for the afternoon, felt fine. Back in car, queesy, again. Out of car for evening event, back in car to go pick up daughter, queesy. One more time for the cheap seats in back, on the ride home, queesy! Sunday, March 6th. Nowhere to go. REALLY exhausted. Slept fine. Have lengthy and unprompted conversation with DH about his fears and how we'd manage homebirthing. Am extremely sensitive (to tears) about a fire he'd fought that morning where the family lost their pets. Hm. Monday, March 7th. Take nap on couch while DD and DH watch movie. Overwhelmed by the smell of taco meat. Can't even look at it. Thankful DH volunteered to cook dinner. Eat only half a taco because I can't bear anymore than that. Really queesy again. Tuesday, March 8th. Sure, DD's diaper is really stinky. But why is it nauseating me? Hmmmm. Taco meat in fridge is grossing me out BIG time. Don't want to go into kitchen. Hmmmm... could it be? It IS! It IS!! I'm gonna have another baby!!!!! After nearly completely losing faith that I would ever get pregnant again and chalking up most of the recent body weirdness to body weirdness (and because I've already thought two other times that I might be and wasn't), that irrefutable queesiness and fatique showed up at my door and so this afternoon I just HAD to know for sure!!! And I AM! I AM! I AM!! There is a tiny little cluster of baby cells growing inside me, a part of me, another little angel to cuddle and snuggle and love... I've got tears of joy right now because I am so overwhelmed with happiness! Can't put this on my blog until our parents know, and we don't plan on telling them until Easter (when we're all probably going to be in the same place!)... Methinks I'm due late Oct, around Halloween. (Cold weather baby born at home? Not my favorite thought, but still better than trying the hospital route again...)

Still no visit...

It's so aggrivating!! Where is my stupid Aunt Flo? *sigh* Perhaps there is something I need to "let go of" before my body can move on. Just don't know what that is. I feel like I've done it. I sent the letter to Dr. Evil. I'm at peace with, and even acknowledge that my c/s has made me stronger than before. So I don't know what the hangup is. *grumble* I guess I should just keep swimming along and be patient. Maybe that's it... let go of the worry about what's going on, and trust that I'm ok...