sOB!!

My friend and I are in the process of launching a local ICAN chapter here, and she told her doula. Her doula then contacted me about a pregnancy fair/expo that she is putting together in May and all but begged us to participate! Should be very, very cool, and I'm really excited about the possibility of helping educate more women in our area about the choices and the power they have. In the course of our conversation, I told her about my experiences with Dr. Evil. I explained to her how he told me, toward the very end of my pregnancy, how if I didn't like how he did things I should go find someone else. She asked who he was, and I told her his name. She said knowingly, "Oooh, yeah..." and proceeded to tell me how many women find, as I did, how he's a wonderful GYN, but in terms of L&D, he thinks he's God. She said, when one of her clients questioned him about something he was about to do, he told her - a first time mother - that he had 'delivered more babies than she had' and knew what he was doing! It gave me chills! It was almost word-for-word what he told me. She said he "knows EVERYTHING", so he believes. I have to say, I am in part relieved and in part enraged. Relieved that he didn't single me out when he said that. But moreso enraged for myself and every other woman he has had and will have the nerve to say that to. I was angry in the first place that he said it to me, but knowing that he has used these "I am almighty" BS on other women... I am beside myself with fury!! Next move: file a complaint with the board of medicine. Maybe it won't accomplish much of anything, but he'll at least get a breeze of the rage I'm feeling towards him. I'll say this about the impact he's had on my life... I'm not about to let anyone kick me around like that anymore... If I could find a way to have his license revoked for practicing obstetrics, I would! GRRR HERE ME ROAR, DR. EVIL!!!!!!

No Voice

Since my last post was somewhat abrupt, I figured I could elaborate. My Valentine’s day gift from My Beloved was a pregnancy test. Actually, a three-fir, as I like to call it, but nevertheless… Anyway, after we got home from running some errands on Monday night, I went directly to the potty and did my business. First, as I unwrapped it, I said to myself "This might not come back positive, and that’s OK," took a deep breath and… nothing. I checked back a half-hour later, still nothing. Nothing the next morning either. So, no baby today. Ok, I’m disappointed. But not heartbroken. Since the last test was negative, I knew it might still be, and I think that I prepared myself well enough this time. And I was resolved not to ruin Valentine’s day. MB is still OK. So then it come down to what the heck is my body doing? Perhaps it’s God’s way of saying, "Nope, not time yet" and holding off my personal fertility until it’s right? Maybe my body just takes off January and February? (It did last year…) Maybe I just thought about it so much that my body thinks it is even though it isn’t? I never felt spiritually pregnant with this attempt. Physically, I’ve had many of the same symptoms as I did with BabyGirl, but spiritually I was not moved to believe I was. I’m still not. I’m just confused now. Wondering if there’s some magical way to bring on Aunt Flo so we can start over again next month. Some exercise? Some vitamin? I just want this part done with so I know everything’s all right and I can go from here.

Verdict...

Negative.

Things that make you go Hmmmm...

I've got weird cramps. My boobs ache, and MB says they look bigger (and I think I agree). I've been on an unprecidented cleaning spree. I was brought to tears because of something I saw on TV, something so ridiculous that rationally I don't get it, and it's not the first time in recent days. And all of the sudden, I'm so sleepy. And have a newfound addiction to egg salad sandwiches and a resurgence of an obsession about chocolate pudding. Could it be? Did I just take the test too soon? Or, is this just the World's Longest PMS ever? It's been close to two months since AF reered her little head. It's not like I've never been late before, but since I had BG I've been quite regular... within two weeks or so anyway. Not like this. Not with the other symptoms. There was an instance back last spring/summer where I was sure I was pg again (and weirdly, so was my MIL) and took the test and it was negative, and a few days later I took it again, and it was still negative, and then less than a week later AF showed up and was brutal, so I kind of think maybe I was at one point but by the time I took the tests I wasn't anymore. And I didn't have any other symptoms. This may really be it! I don't know. I'm afraid to get my hopes up too high. I could take another test, but I can't get it into the budget for another week and a half. And maybe I'm just supposed to trust my body. Maybe that's the sign. Stay tuned for further updates...

Body Language

Ok, totally getting mixed signals from my body these past few weeks. I'm officially "late" even by my own weird standards. Dear Auntie Flo should have arrived, like, two weeks ago. I took the pregnancy test almost two weeks ago, which I at least think should have left an accurate read if I was. But maybe not? I don't know. I was SO disappointed that it came up negative. Now I'm having weird, painful crampiness. I keep expecting AF to show up any second, and she doesn't. This has been going on for over a week. I remember with BabyGirl that I had some weird sensations early on, but I don't remember that they were specifically "crampy". I do remember feeling miserable in my lower half... But, at the same time, I've sort of put to rest the thought that I'm pregnant this month. So this crampiness has got me all paranoid. Pregnant? Ectopic pregnancy (because the most pain is in my right side)? Just feminine peculiarities? Am I broken? What is going on? I honestly am somewhat wishing AF would just show up so I would know for sure that I'm not, rather than waiting around. And I'm tempted to buy another test, but they're so expensive. I'm really trying to listen to my body. To hear what she's telling me I need to know. And I don't know if my head is just really cluttered right now, or if I'm just not listening closely enough or if there's nothing important to hear, but it's driving me crazy. I know so much of it has to do with how fast and easy it seemed to get pregnant with BabyGirl. It was really, like, the first try. So I know that accounts for why I'm so anxious. I keep trying to remind myself "sometimes it takes time... be patient... it will happen when it's supposed to happen." and that if I'm not, it's because it's just not the right time. I believe that there is a force behind conception that is so far beyond anything humans can understand. I'm trying to remind myself of advice someone said to someone else from the www.ICAN-online.org board that said, "if you might be pregnant, treat yourself like you are pregnant and let your body tell you what you need to know." which is such sound advice. I'm just not used to being that way. I've built up all these added concerns that I probably don't need to have, like, that I was by LMP as the standard, 45 weeks pregnant when I had BG, and I don't want to have to fight with whomever my new OB is to prevent another c/s. That's a MAJOR issue, since most cut at 40-41 weeks. I want the least amount of friction for my VBAC as possible. I'm already considering lying to whatever OB about my plans for a homebirth because I know they'll never be "ok" with it. I shouldn't have to lie... it's my body... but I'll do what I need to in order to protect myself, my baby and my family. It's not something I want to hide, but I will hide it from anyone who poses a threat. So maybe my anxiety is causing all the feelings and pains and weirdness in my body. I don't really "feel" pregnant right now... not in that physical symptoms way. I feel like by now I should be getting that special queesy feeling.. and though I've not been eating much and getting wicked heartburn when I do, it's just not like that. But then, every pregnancy is different, right? Oh, to have a sign... a really clear one. What to do, what to do?